"You might well think that. I couldn't possibly comment."
In "House of Cards", Francis Urquhart, performed by Ian Richardson, plays one of the most deliciously evil characters I've ever had the pleasure of watching. Urquhart plays Conservative Chief Whip in the British Parliament and by his own admittance "puts a bit of stick about" to keep his fellow MPs in line. We begin in medias res after the polls have closed on the most recent election to determine whether the Conservative party will stay in power. Urquhart has helped to secure the PM position for his colleague Henry Collingridge with the understanding that a Cabinet position will be in his future. The Conservatives are re-elected but when the PM apologizes that he won't be able to follow through on his end of the bargain, Urquhart's bitter pettiness and ambition gets the better of him and he decides to destroy Collingridge and take the PM position for his own.
Made in the 90s by the BBC, this miniseries looks dated. From the clothes to the hair to the cars to the grainy cinematography, it hasn't aged well. If you can put that aside though you won't care if someone's wearing a scrunchy or if their pants look like it's Hammer Time. Instead, you will bask in the glorious crackling dialogue that shimmers throughout the miniseries. Most of the best lines are uttered by Urquhart who rattles off clever and contemptuous quips as easily as breathing.
Ian Richardson is perfection in this role. Rather than playing a normal 'snake in the grass' bad guy, Urquhart is far more of a vulture, circling from above, waiting for his machinations to pay off or for his colleagues to implode and then swooping in to straighten things up. He is smart, well-spoken and knows his limits, a dangerous combination. He has a calm demeanor and a cold-blooded personality with a will of steel, showing little to no emotion other than glee at the misfortune of others, of which he's been the cause. Altogether he creates a magnificent villain that despite his villainy, you end up rooting for in the end. The wreckage left in his wake means nothing to him or the audience. You won't want to see him caught or brought to justice, I know I didn't, even if he's committed terrible crimes and ruined people's lives, tarnishing the reputation of politicians who were once his colleagues. Richardson is that good and his peers seemed to think so as well, awarding him a BAFTA (a British Oscar) for his part.
Mattie Storen is the (un)lucky reporter personally chosen by Urquhart as an unwitting accomplice. He leaks clues about decisions made behind closed doors and possibly scandalous information and lets her put two and two together. The result being stories in a national newspaper that paint Collingridge in a bad light. Storen is a complex character. After losing her father at a young age she's developed an Electra complex, leading to her infatuation with Urquhart. She insists on calling him "Daddy" and admits to being in love with him. If this wasn't disturbing enough, Urquhart's wife fully endorses the idea of taking down the PM and gives permission for Urquhart to seduce Storen to bind her more closely to him and to possibly discredit her if she goes rogue. The series has a very Macbeth feel to it but don't be fooled; Urquhart is far more clever than the Thane of Cawdor.
Knowing very little about how British politics works I was somewhat lost when they were talking about the election process and how a party leader is nominated. For the most part though I glossed over what I didn't understand and it didn't detract from the story.
One of my favourite parts was when Urquhart had these little fourth wall asides with the audience as if he was explaining the situation to a friend or possibly his conscience. These give us insights into his character that wouldn't normally come to light in dialogue or exposition.
I would highly recommend this if you're looking for a good story. The acting is great and Richardson makes for one great bad guy, definitely in my top ten.
It's also important to note that the British do television very well. So well in fact that Americans keep copying them. Those Yanks do this backwards though because instead of just buying the rights to these shows and exposing Americans to great tv from across the pond they decide to do their own version and "Americanize" it. For example, the US is putting on their own version of this miniseries. It's going to star Kevin Spacey, a great choice and will involve American politics. We'll see how much it's sensationalized.
I've been gone for awhile thanks to work. This summer was a bit crazy and the changeover into autumn even more so.
Here's what I've been up to over the past few months:
I tried a vodka martini for the first time, once with olives, once with a lemon peel. Both were equally distasteful. I was hoping I had a more "sophisticated" palate but since I'm not the biggest fan of wine or beer, I shouldn't have had high hopes for hard liquor. The best part was I made them myself and actually learned about the difference between shaken and stirred martinis, dirty and dry martinis. The next step is to try a proper martini made with gin. Apparently vodka martinis weren't popular until the 1950s, making the whole exercise fruitless as I wanted a martini similar to the ones Nick and Nora Charles order in "The Thin Man". When I actually do get around to the original martini I'll let you know but I don't expect a better outcome.
I discovered Fritz Lang and watched "M". I had to keep reminding myself that I should watch the whole film through first and then later go back to pause and marvel the film. I'm glad that at this point in my life I'm comfortable with foreign films. Otherwise I would have missed this masterpiece. I love the cinematography, the sets, the ambiguous camera and how Fritz and Lorre managed to convince the viewer to pity a child serial killer. I'll be posting a review for the film soon with my insights and opinions.
I also discovered and watched the scariest movie known to man. "When a Stranger Calls Back" is a sequel to "When a Stranger Calls", the movie where the babysitter got that infamous call saying "the call is coming from inside the house". This movie has no gore, very little blood and is all suspense. I ended up turning on all the lights in my place because it was that scary. This pertains to how the killer gets around which I won't give away. I would highly recommend this movie but don't watch it alone.
I also started to watch M*A*S*H as I have several seasons kicking around. Why isn't today's television as funny as this? There are so many jokes flying around I can't keep track of half of them. What happened? Did the writers retire and the talent wasn't replaced?
Archaeologists have possibly discovered the skeleton of King Richard III under a parking lot in Leicester! Gah! This is crazy! The first best part is that a Canadian is helping to prove the identity of the remains as he's believed to be a descendant of Richard's sister Anne. The second best and most amazing part is that the skeleton they discovered had a twisted spine, resulting in one shoulder being higher than another. If it's him then maybe the idea that Richard was a hunchback was just an exaggerated truth. It's strange how quickly this has all happened and in December we'll find out if the bones are royal or not.
We open on some men abusing Native Americans in a store. The natives are trying to trade pelts for fabric, a reasonable exchange. Mike and Vern Wilson don't think so. Mike is clearly marked as the trouble maker when he admits he's brought booze with him. He's the one that says the natives can't leave. He's the one who says they're going to keep the native's wives until they bring in some good skins. Mike, Vern and some other random guy then proceed to beat up the native men and kick them out, keeping their wives. What. a. dick.
We then cut to Joe and Hoss heading to San Fransciso. Because, you know, we're not going to need them for this episode. Budgets and all that. It's not like miner and native relations are going to break down or anything. It's not like some small incident is going to ruin things for everyone. It's not like the word "WAR" is in the title of this episode. Oh wait. But our brave Cartwright clan pushes on. Ben warns Joe and Hoss of the Barbary Coast; he doesn’t want them to get shanghaied. And what the heck is "shanghaied"? After much extensive research (Wikipedia) I have discovered that it refers to the 'practice of conscripting men as sailors by coercive techniques such as trickery, intimidation or violence'. Considering the hot-headedness of the Cartwrights, I think Ben is right to warn them. But you never know, it might be interesting. The whole family could get kidnapped and get taken to China and instead of raising cattle they can plant rice and look after herds of pandas! I think we've got a winner here.
After this little exchange, Adam rides down to bottom camp to check on the new steers. I've always been very impressed with how Adam rides horse. Just like Gary Cooper, he’s practically glued to the saddle.
Conveniently, Ben has business in Virginia City. Well if everyone's leaving, who's going to guard the ranch? Hop Sing? Playing Devil's Advocate, this would probably be the perfect time to try and take over the ranch or steal cattle or set the Cartwright ranch house on fire or generally do whatever you want to the property.
While Adam's riding to the bottom camp, he finds Bruno, beaten up and rolling around on the ground. Bruno tells him the Wilsons at Wilson’s Station took his and Numpta’s wife. He says the Wilson's were drunk and had guns. Those bozos won't know what hit them. Don't they know Adam's 4-1 fight record?
We then learn that Numpta took matters into his own hands and rode off to talk to Ringnose. Gee, do you think he has a ring in his nose? It's turns out Ringnose is from the Bannoc tribe. Adam asks why Numpta didn’t go to Winnemucca as the area of Wilson's Station is traditional Paiute territory. Apparently Numpta said the Shoshone people aren’t cowards like the Paiute. He said the Bannoc’s would ride and kill the Wilson men. So this can only get worse right? There's no outcome where has tea and works out their differences over buttered scones?
Things are about to get worse than physical abuse and beat downs because Adam knows that if Ringnose and his men attack and kill the men at Wilson’s Station that there will be a war. You know, like in the title of the episode? They need to get to Wilson’s Station first. Unfortunately Bruno spots smoke signals that say Ringnose is calling up his warriors. Adam and Bruno ride off. I'd like to take this time to point out that Adam’s wearing eyeliner hehe.
Back at Wilson's Station, the three drunk idiots are getting drunker. Is that possible? They also happen to be very bad at playing drunk. They pull the women out of a side room and try to get them drunk. The problem is we don't know how much time has passed. The men say they tried to be friendly but now they’re going to teach the women some manners. Ugh! Are we going to stray into bad touch territory?
Just as things start to take on a 14A rating, Adam bursts in, gun drawn and demands the women be let go. Mike knows who Adam is but that's not surprising. The Cartwrights have one of the biggest ranches in the area and they're always sticking their noses in everyone's business. Adam gets Mike and Vern to kick over their guns. Mike makes a move and Adam decks him. Awesome!
Adam vs drunk idiot Vern Wilson: Adam bashes a chair over head. Very reminiscent of the bar fight scene between Marlene Dietrich and Jimmy Stewart in "Destry Rides Again"
Adam vs Mike Wilson: Adam KO’s Mike.
Phil, the other random guy involved in this kerfuffle is now dead drunk asleep so we don't get to see Adam fight him as well. Darn it!
Adam leaves and assumes the issue is settled. Oh it’s not settled Adam. Mike is drunk and a dumbass. What do you think is going to happen? He says Cartwright stole their women and that they should go after them.
Mike calls Adam a “dirty squaw stealer” and walks out to go after Adam. He gets on his horse, only to be confronted by natives on horses shooting off guns. I can only assume he was terrified because he rides away, leaving his brother and Phil in the Station. Numpta's braves pull Vern and Phil outside and shoots them. Now we don't actually see them getting shot but this is still pretty ballsy of "Bonanza" and shows how short life could be way back in cowboy times. Numpta's men head for Sun Canyon. Isn’t it strange how Mike, wanting revenge, wanting to commit acts of violence while cursing racist slang at Adam, gets away and is saved? Yeah, I thought that was pretty stupid too.
What we see next is a gruesome montage of homes set on fire and dead pioneers. Yurgh!
Next we switch to a group of men arguing in the saloon in Virginia City. They question Mike Wilson about what he saw. Take a shot of your favourite beverage every time Mike lies here. He says the natives were naked and painted up (false). He says it was Winnemucca’s men (false). He says there were hundreds of them (false). He says he saw them break into Wilson’s Station and drag out Vern and Phil and shoot them, partner and brother (kind of false because they didn't break in and Vern and Phil didn't put up much of a fight because they were drunk). Why does no one question this man’s honor about doing nothing and running away instead of putting up a fight? Didn't people take cowardice really seriously back then? I mean, in "Back to the Future III" Marty gets called a chicken and he loses it. Anyway, Ben comes in at the end of the rant and hears something about Winnie.
Then things get worse because some grizzled man runs into the saloon to say the Paiutes have killed 7-8 men in Sun Canyon. He says they butchered Jo and Ellie Lawrence right outside of their cabin. I'm assuming that couple was included in that death montage. Gross! Also, why does this guy assume it’s the Paiutes? Virginia City men seem unable to distinguish between native tribes which smacks of ignorance and racism. Everyone is a jerk except Ben because he's one of our protagonists. Can you imagine if Bonanza started off with a group of ranchers completely opposed to natives in the beginning and then after learning about their people and culture, come to accept them as neighbours instead of us seeing Ben as the only understanding white guy in the entire Nevada Territory? Yeah right! I always cringe about what historical inaccuracies are playing out on screen. I do like how the show follows actual events though. There was an actual Paiute War that you can check out on Wikipedia here. Please note that I make no claims about the accuracy of the site.
But back to the saloon. In hindsight, a place that serves booze, is probably the wrong place to let a bunch of white guys know that some natives are killing off settlers. Mostly because alcohol tends to lead to bad decisions. Case in point, this news stirs the men into a frenzy to go and get the Paiutes. This posse is a great example of why mobs are bad. They don’t use their brains. Does this group have any real evidence of what’s going on? No, they’ve heard it second hand from two men and assume there is only one side to the story.
Ben, being one of the only sober people in the joint has a bad look on his face. Do you think he's a teetotaler? I don't think I've ever seen him partake in a boozy beverage so it's a possibility. In any case, Ben looks like he wants to leave and find Winnie to see what the heck is really going on.
A man named Major Ormsby pipes up and says they've got to get organized. They can't just run after the natives. Someone elects him as the mob leader and he agrees, saying they’ll 'do it the army way'. Great, a drunk man with leadership experience, just what we need. Some knucklehead says they should be able to get close to 100 men and then the Major pipes up that they won't need nearly that many to take care of a "mess of mangy Paiutes". That makes Ben mad and something you learn about watching this show is that you don't make Papa Ben mad. Remember back in episode one when he almost threatened to cut out some guy's tongue and gave his cook orders to kill a guy in cold blood? Yeah, that's why you don't piss Papa Ben off. He's like a mother grizzly. Kind of.
It's announced that the posse will march at daybreak. Ben leaves and everyone else continues drinking. Soon they'll be riding horses and waving guns around, while drunk. What a bunch of maroons. Perhaps they’ll all forget about this Paiute business after getting dead drunk and blacking out. That would be the best outcome but it's not going to happen is it?
Ben decides to be proactive because he can't stop all those crazy guys by himself. He goes to see William Stewart, Attorney at Law. Ben says Stewart carries a lot of weight. (Was that a fat joke?) People say Stewart's the first citizen of Virginia City and Ben knows that they haven’t always seen eye to eye but they both know an Indian war would be disastrous. Stewart isn't taking this seriously but Ben says Major Ormsby’s raising an army. Stewart finally perks up and says Ormsby’s no drunken fool, that he’s a good soldier. Uh oh. Ben says the posse will only listen to someone they know. Stewart doesn’t think there will be much of an army after they’ve sobered up though. Don’t count on it Stewie; the episode title says there's going to be a war and I don't think your brain farts are going to keep that from happening. Even Ben backs me up on this. He says it doesn’t take much of an army to start an Indian war.
Back at the Ponderosa, Adam consoles Bruno and says the wives are in good hands, that Bruno should stay for the night. Ben rides up in a hurry and says everyone’s gone mad, that they’re fools, that the Paiutes ran wild. Wait. What? Ben, why do you think it was the Paiutes? You heard the story in the saloon and you believed it? You supposedly know Winnie better than any other white guy so what gives? I thought Winnie was your friend? You know he’s not a warmongerer so what the heck is going on?
Fortunately Adam straightens things out. It was the Bannoc’s of the Shoshone, Ringnose’s people. Adam said Wilson and his drunken brother held Numpta and Bruno’s wives captive and mistreated them. Ben wants to know what Mike was doing accusing the Paiutes. I want to know why Ben wasn't asking these questions in the saloon. Adam says Mike wanted to shift the blame and to protect his own skin. Geez Ben, slow on the uptake much? Adam says they’ve got to stop the saloon posse tonight but Ben says there’s no way anyone’s talking to them. They’re drinking and there are dozens of them.
Adam asks about Bill Stewart, they listen to him. Great minds, I guess? Ben says he’s talking to Bill who will apparently reason with the group in the morning but he and Adam will go along because nobody will believe it wasn’t the Paiutes. Adam questions why Ringnose killed anybody on his way back to the mountains and just listen to what Ben says in response: “They’re a primitive people son, primitive and proud, once they’ve tasted blood.” Two episodes ago you showed this great understanding when the Paiutes were taking cattle from you. It was established that you and Winnie had been friends for a long time and it seemed as if you respected him and Native Americans in general but here you call them ‘primitive’. If this is what you really think then you're worse than all the other racists in town because you pretend to be a friend to the natives. JerkBen from episode one is back.
The next day, the Major has stuffed himself into his Union uniform. The rowdy group of men are carousing and the Major asks where the big group of men are. Most have sobered up and gone home. Guess who’s left to form the posse? All the idiots who are still drunk, including Mike Wilson! Mike says they’ve got enough people. He just wants to get out there and shoot a few Indians. ARGH!
Bill Stewart jumps up and starts talking with Ben and Adam by his side. Stewart says Ben knows Indians better than any man in Nevada. (And did you know he's also a secret racist? Yeah, I bet people didn't know that either). Do people assume he knows natives better than anyone just because he’s good friends with Winnie? Surely Ben can’t be the default can he? Stewart says it wasn’t the Paiutes who attacked Wilson’s Station but the Bannocs.
And here is where Mike doubles down. He says that information is a lie and he knows because he was there. Adam challenges him and says maybe they should know what he was doing there. Mike snaps at him and says it wouldn’t have happened if Adam hadn’t been there. He says Adam came in just before it happened with one of his native friends and that he wanted Wilson to sell his native friends some booze. When Wilson refused, Adam said he’d set the whole Paiute tribe down on Wilson. And what do the drunks do? They believe Mike and rally around him. Maybe they’re perpetually stupid but in any case, they're much dumber to agree with Mike.
A Wild Posse appears.
Ben uses logic on Wild Posse.
It fails.
Ben says if they go out drunk and disorganized against the Paiutes that they’ll be destroyed. Adam shouts that the Paiutes are innocent but Major Ormsby brings up a good point by saying that the massacre at the station took place before noon and that within an hour there wasn’t a Paiute in town but Wilson didn’t get back to town till late afternoon. Adam says the natives have 'ways'. What kind of ambiguous crap is that? Ormsby says murder has been done by Indians and that he aims to punish them. Hold on, you're a major, not a judge.
Stewart pipes up and says they should seek a parley when they go talk to Winnie instead of riding as a war party. Ormsby asks if Stewart’s coming along. Stewart says that he’ll 'serve them better by staying in town and communicating with the authorities in Washington'. If ever there was a bs excuse masquerading as help, this is it. What exactly are you going to do, tell Washington about how a group of stupid drunks are going to murder some natives? What is Washington going to do about that? It would take months for any help from to arrive even if they did send help.
Ben says he and Adam will go along, presumably to try and keep the group from doing anything too stupid. Soon enough a rowdy group of men waving guns around departs town. They spot signal fires and Ben remarks that the Paiutes have heard them coming for miles. No one seems really phased by this but technically they're riding into Paiute land and they're drunk. It's like walking blindfolded on the Savannah, with a pride of lions watching you stumble around.
Winnie looks like he’s holding a war party. He’s says he doesn’t know the purpose of the men or their numbers but the diggers of Sun Mountain are coming with 30 men, including Ben Cartwright and his son Adam. Winnie and his son Young Wolf argue. Why doesn't Winnie have a cool name like that? Anyway, Winnie says what happened was a mistake but Young Wolf points out that even Ben Cartwright rides with 'the diggers'. Winnie says Ben rides to talk and his son counters, saying Ben has a rifle in his hand, that the white men come towards the Paiutes and not towards the Bannocs. Winnie says they will go to war as it is foolish to think it would not come to that but that they will speak for peace with the white men, that no Paiute is to fire upon a white man. I don't see this ending well. But let's wait and see.
The two sides of this mishmash of a conflict finally meet. All of the Paiutes are stationed behind rocks and Ormsby calls them “treacherous devils”. Adam bites back with “what did you expect a welcome mat?” It's moments like these that make me glad Adam's around. Biting remarks are my thing but this show can wear a person out.
Ben says they’ll parlay. I bet Mike’s not too happy about that. Ben does a stupid fake “how” hand signal that people seem to have picked up from Disney’s “Peter Pan”. Oiy. Did any native tribes actually use this? I have doubts.
Winnie says it’s an evil thing to see Ben Cartwright ride to war. I agree but Ben says he rides for peace but Winnie says he sees men ready for battle.
Meanwhile Mike's causing problems with the rabble and calls the natives "murdering devils" and then decides to shoot one of the natives, causing all sorts of mayhem. Ben and Winnie yell and tell them to stop firing. While this is going on, Adam gets hit on the head and a Paiute tries to kill him. Ben shoots the Paiute. Ormsby is attacked, Ben is hit, chaos reigns supreme! The natives take Adam and drag him away. The natives retreat and Ben is dragged back from the front. What a total mess.
Ben starts freaking out about Adam which is a normal reaction when you're in a gunfight and can't find your child in the aftermath. This whole thing was a bloodbath and it's all Mike's fault. He then decides that maybe he made a mistake and decides to run. With the drunks turning tail, the Paiutes decide it's a perfect time to attack.
In the aftermath of their retreat, the men are being patched up at the saloon. Is this seriously the only building in town that can accommodate this large a group? What about the theatre from episode one? That would fit a ton of people. Anyway, Ben is catatonic, mumbling that his son is dead. Mike opens his big fat trap and says Ben led them into a trap and that Stewart should lynch him for causing all this trouble. Sometimes people just don't know when to shut up. Mike then goes on to say that Adam isn’t dead, that he saw Adam 'run off' with the Indians. This perks Ben up a bit who goes back to the Ponderosa, hopefully to formulate a plan about getting Adam back.
Stewart says they need help with this problem, such as Charlie Hungerford commands a battalion on other side of sierra at Placerville. I have no idea how far away that is but at least Stewart's improving. At least it's not Washington! Mike volunteers to go but Stewart puts him off. Why? Mike says he knows what to tell them. Stewart says he’d rather put it in writing. If you don't trust Mike to tell them the truth about what happened, why are you allowing him to go at all? He could mess with your note. He could write another note. He could pretend he wasn't given a note and just blab his version of events. Geez Stewart, use your brain!
We see that Adam’s alive. Yay! Winnie’s son Young Wolf is mad and asks why his enemy lives. They have beaten the enemy and Virginia City could be ashes by morning. Fortunately cooler heads have prevailed. Winnie has spared Adam’s life and asks what the miner’s will do now. Adam says the militia will come with 100 10s (1000?) Young Wolf thinks these numbers are lies and calls his dad a woman. Whoa whoa whoa! None of that disrespecting your elders stuff.
Adam says Winnie should speak to Ben, there can still be peace. Young Wolf says the whites can’t fight, that they were destroyed in that battle. Adam argues that they fought half drunken miners out on a picnic, a lark. You know, I never thought I would hear the word "lark" on Bonanza. Adam says the next time the Paiutes will fight soldiers, two to one. Winnie has confidence that Ben will stop the army but Adam rightly corrects him saying only Winnie can stop this. Winnie promises to meet with Ben to discuss everything but promises that if the army moves on the Paiutes, Adam will die. Uh oh. I don't like where this is going.
Ben is at the Ponderosa with a gun. Uh, should I be worried at this point. The last time we saw he looked ready to snap and murder someone. Little Joe returns. He and Hoss apparently heard about everything in Sacramento. What? How does news travel that fast? Pony Express? Paiute Post? Hoss goes up to San Francisco, for what reason I can’t fathom. Probably the budget. Joe came back to help but didn’t know Adam was a prisoner. Apparently Winnie is bringing Adam to Truckee Rock so they can, I don't know, parlay? Joe wants the whole story but Ben says they can talk about it later. The funny part here is that in real life, Chief Winnemucca was also known as Captain Truckee so they're essentially going to his rock.
Winnie and his men arrive at 'the rock' to talk with Ben and Joe. They bring out Adam. What is up with his upturned pant cuffs? Was that a thing in the 60s?
Ben calls Adam "boy". Whatever. Adam jokes with Joe, asking if the vigilantes ran him out of Sacramento. I like that Adam's relaxed enough in this situation to try and take his brother down a peg. Winnie says Ben will stop the soldiers or Adam will die. That's kind of a tall order, considering Ben has no authority over the army.
On another note, Winnie isn’t happy about Ben shooting one of his men. Ben comes back with the fact that the man would have killed his son (Adam). Winnie counters, saying he has 100 sons. I'm assuming he means this figuratively, as in, he considers all his men, his sons. But it does sounds like the bromance is over.
Adam pipes up, saying Bruno and Ringnose can fix this and Ben asks for time to ride to the high mountains and get proof. Winnie agrees to not attack for the moment.
Joe and Ben run into the cavalry and Major Hungerford while on their journey to Ringnose. We also unfortunately run into Mike 'the total and complete jerk' Wilson who is travelling with Hungerford and continues to cause trouble. I thought Stewart wasn't going to let him talk to the army. In any case, we know Mike does whatever he wants. Here he tries to stir up trouble again and almost draws his gun on Ben.
Meanwhile Ben is trying to clean up the situation, saying the Bannocks killed Mike's brother because of what he and Mike did to some Bannock women. Notice how Mike doesn't deny he assaulted these women and instead says Ben has been on the side of the Paiutes all along.
Then we get one of the best parts of the show where Hungerford threatens to gag Mike. Do it anyway! I don't mind! Hungerford shows some sense, unlike Ormsby who paid for his stupidity as he's now worm food, and chooses to believe Ben's story. Well it's about time somebody did!
Hungerfrod says he's under express orders to attack the Paiutes and punish them but if Ben can bring proof that it was the Bannocks that attacked Wilon's Station, he'll parlay. I like this guy. He bends the rules when he knows something's not right. Ben asks for time, just like with Winnie. Hungerford agrees.
Mike protests but Hungerford says that if Ben is telling the truth then Mike will go back to Sacramento with him in irons. Do it anyway! I don't mind!
Back at Winnie's camp Adam's tied up in a teepee. Young Wolf orders Adam's guards to leave and moves to kill him. Winnie arrives just in time to stop him and decides now is the time to get philosophical with Adam and talk about how white people ruin everything. Winnie knows Hungerford is coming to fight them. Winnie feels sad for Adam because as soon as Hungerford attacks, Young Wolf will kill Adam. Winnie is one tough son of a gun. I wish we had more scenes with Winnie though. I wanted to see the conflict between saving his people and taking the life of his friend's son.
Dramatic music! We cut from a shot of the Cavalry ambling along to Ben and Joe riding like they just fed their horses shots of espresso. They ride right into the Bannoc camp, unopposed and without being shot at. Not believable in my eyes but a Bannoc man remarks that it was brave they rode up into the camp so I suppose it's fine.
Ben confronts Bruno because this is essentially all his fault. People are dead because he decided to tell Ringnose about the Wilson's Station incident. Ben says Adam will die if the California army attacks and that the Paiute people will die. Can the Bannoc's live with that? Ringnose says "war is war". Jerk. Ben says Adam brought back Numpta and Bruno's wives. That should count for something.
Ringnose says they'll ride and asks what will happen to them if they turn themselves in. I don't think he's thought about the consequences of killing innocent people.
Back at the Paiute Camp, Young Wolf drags Adam to the place where they will ambush the army. As Hungerford approaches, he says they can't delay any longer and gives orders to advance but not to fire unless fired upon. We cut to a shot of Mike with his shit-eating grin. That ass didn't listen the first time this was said so he probably won't listen now.
Adam's trying to struggle free and we just know he's going to get away. He's a Cartwright; he's like a buttered pig in a cow poke.
The bugle sounds, which lets the Paiutes know the army is coming. Very stupid. Adam frees himself at the right moment, punches Young Wolf and runs away. Yay! Winnie is all wtf man!
We see shots of Ben and Joe rushing, Adam running, Young Wolf chasing. We cut between the Paiutes and the army, with filler shots and repeated shots that drag out the action. Get on with it!
Adam shouts "don't shoot" which Mike takes to mean, "kill the closest Paiute" and shoots and kills Young Wolf. That jerkface! Everyone else starts firing and killing one another and it's a bloodbath. There is one realy cool effect where cannon fire comes right at the viewer but it looks like fireworks so I'm not sure what was going on there.
Mike rides up to Adam and is ready to blow his brains out when Adam throws a knife at that ass and kills him. Just then, Ben and Joe ride up with the Bannoc. The fighting stops and everyone is pretty much dead. Hungerford says "Gog help us. What have we done?" Is this the end of the Paiute? Is Winnie alive? Is anyone alive? Hungerford says to tell his men loud and clear that this entire debacle was all a mistake. The Bannocs confess their crimes after the fight and Hungerford says he appreciates their honesty and that they will have come to California with him and stand trial.
Adam, Ben and Joe walk over to Winnie who's mourning his son. They don't really know what to say so they just let him be.
How will this battle affect the relationship between the Paiutes and the Cartwrights? How about Native Americans and the army? What about the Cartwrights and the people of Virginia City? If the show was being made today it would probably inform on the actions of characters from now on but because it was made over fifty years ago (man that's a long time) everyone will probably have forgotten about this incident by next episode.
Episode Summary
Fights:
Adam vs Vern Wilson = Adam
Adam vs Mike Wilson = Adam
Deathtoll: 27 (This number is probably a lot higher. I just counted the ones I saw.)
Thanks to the power of YouTube and my errant wandering, I rediscovered "3rd Rock from the Sun". I used to watch this show when it was on the air but I did not remember it being this funny. This is some of the funniest tv I've seen. John Lithgow is a genius. Pair this with the fact that he went on to star as a bad guy in "Dexter" and you will know that I'm right.
In celebration of this rediscovery I've put together some choice clips for your delectation;
I found this amazing article today that suggests a type of Galapagos tortoise may not be extinct after all. They may have just moved house and found comfort with another Galapagos species.
And that made me remember this clip from the UK Gameshow QI (Quite Interesting), hosted by Stephen Fry. This is my favourite gameshow because it has the best of all worlds. Comedians, Stephen Fry, humour, knowledge and total weirdness. Below is a clip about Galapagos Tortoises and why they are so awesome, possibly to their detriment.
If you've never watched QI this clip is only a small portion of the mindblowingness that is this program and I highly recommend it. On a sidenote, why do the British make all the best tv shows? Sherlock, Downton Abbey, Misfits, Doctor Who, that Mitchell and Webb Look, Miss Marple, Monty Python, Rosemary and Thyme, etc.
I saw a trailer for a really creepy video game the other day, called Alan Wake. Reading up on it I found that it was inspired by a tv show called "Twin Peaks". Now I've heard a lot about this show but I've never seen it. I was intrigued though and having now watched the pilot I can tell you it's the weirdest tv show I've ever seen but also one of the most intriguing. It was co-created by David Lynch, who also directed "Dune", also very weird. The storyline is intriguing, the characters are original (and weird) and there is so much going on that it's difficult to keep straight. There will be SPOILERS so if you want to discover the show for yourself, read no further.
I swear the intro is the longest in tv history. Clocking in at 2.5 minutes, the music is creepy as all get out because it's calm and soothing, the complete opposite of the show. We're also introduced to the small logging town of Twin Peaks. I don't remember what tv intros were like in the early 90s but to me this was a hint that "Twin Peaks" wasn't like most shows.
On to the show; a man named Pete Martell sets out to go fishing only to find a body wrapped in plastic on the beach. It turns out to be teenager, Laura Palmer. Friends, family and local townspeople are shocked at her death. But the more we uncover about Laura the more we see she's not who everyone thinks. This is actually true of all of Twin Peaks citizens. There's more to them than meets the eye. While the main storyline centers on the mystery of Laura's death, viewers are also left wanting to discover more about Twin Peaks itself and the mysteries it hides.
Have you seen Twin Peaks? If so, what did you think of the show?
The Players:
Josie Packard (Joan Chen) - Widow of Andrew Packard, former owner of the Packard Mill. Andrew brought her over from Hong Kong six years ago. When he died in a boating accident a year ago, she inherited ownership of the mill. She seems to consistently butt heads with her sister-in-law Catherine and is currently having an affair with Sheriff Harry S. Truman. (Yes, that's his real name)
Pete Martell (Jack Nance) - Husband to Catherine, brother-in-law to Josie Packard, who owns the Packard Mill. Jack works at the mill, possbilly on the accounts. He also really likes fishing. His wife seems somewhat distant and his way of describing what happened to Laura after phoning the sheriff's department was "She's dead; wrapped in plastic" which is kind of cold. Later in the day he seems to have gotten over his shock at finding a dead body, just watch.
Catherine Martell (Piper Laurie) - Sister to Andrew Packard, deceased owner of the Packard Mill. She is a bitter woman who runs the Packard Mill and is jealous of Josie who was given ownership of the business after Andrew died in a boating accident last year. Catherine also happens to be colluding with Ben Horne, owner of the Great Northern Hotel, phoning him when Sheriff Truman comes over to visit Josie for some nookie. Catherine's also kind of a meanie. When she loses a fight to Josie she fires one of her employees for no reason.
Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee) - Laura is dead before the pilot begins. We learn she was pretty, popular, homecoming queen and tutored Ben Horne's mentally disabled son. She was dating Bobby, a football player but lately they'd been having problems and she had started to see James, a leather-jacket-wearing fellow student. She also happened to secretly be seeing a shrink, sneaking out after hours and doing cocaine. She also owned a safety deposit box with $10 000 and a porn magazine with her friend's picture in it.
Lucy Moran (Kimmy Robertson) - This flighty receptionist at the sheriff's department is more than awkward at times. She's told “not a word about this to anyone until you hear from me” when discussing the discovery of Laura's body. I get the sense that lucy tends to blab a lot about things she shouldn't to people she shouldn’t be talking to.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean) - Besides having a ridiculous name he seems to be one of the few people in town who isn't insane and is a responsible human being. Teams up with Agent Dale Cooper to uncover the truth behind Laura Palmer's death. Lover of Josie Packard.
Deputy Andy Brennan (Harry Goaz) - A somewhat simple minded man who seems to cry easily. We see Andy cry twice in the pilot. This seems strange because he belongs to a sheriff's department. You would expect that he's exposed to more death than the average person so wouldn't he be used to seeing these types of things? He seems new to the job though or perhaps Harry is because he asks “is this gonna happen every damn time?”
Sarah Palmer (Grace Zabriskie) - Laura's mother. She has no idea about Laura's double life but you want to watch for her reaction about Laura's death. It's something I’ve never seen before on tv. It’s so uncomfortable-making. It's raw and real and I felt as if I were intruding on a private moment of anguish and despair.
Benjamin Horne (Richard Beymer) – A smarmy douche if there ever was one. We first meet him spitting into a fire. The owner of the Great Northern Hotel he’s currently trying to ink a land deal with a bunch of Norwegians. The problem is the land he’s trying to sell isn’t his yet. It belongs to Josie Packard. “We have solid information. Packard’s Sawmill is going to go belly up within a year. We're going to be able to get it for a song. One verse no chorus.” Great writing! The inside information must come care of Catherine. It makes you wonder whether she’s actively trying to make the mill fail. Ben has two children, Audrey, who went to school with Laura, and Johnnie, a special needs child that Laura worked with after school. Ben also works with Leland Palmer, Laura’s dad.
Leland Palmer (Ray Wise) – Father to Donna and husband to Sarah. He seems to go a little nuts after hearing about what happened to his daughter because he says he wants to see the body. Gross.
Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook) – It’s difficult to believe he’s on the football team since he doesn’t seem the type to care about school. In fact, he’s blown off football practice for the past few weeks. We don’t know what he’s been doing but it’s possible he’s been at the diner. He offers to give Shelley, a waitress, a ride home. It turns out they’ve been seeing one another for a while and Bobby had a big fight with Laura, his girlfriend. When questioned about her murder he adamantly denies being involved and also denies that she could have been seeing someone else.
Shelley Johnson (Madchen Amik) – She’s been seeing Bobby who is apparently scared of ‘her old man’ who we later learn is actually her boyfried/lover/husband? He’s abusive, makes threats of violence against her and is all around scary. He has a 1950s attitude when it comes to women and is paranoid about her cheating on him, which lets be honest, he's right about that.
Norma Jennings (Peggy Lipton) – She works as a waitress at the diner. Her lover, Hank is in jail for manslaughter and meanwhile, she’s carrying on with a man named Ed who runs Big Ed’s Gas Farm a gas station out of town. She arranges a rendezvous with Ed at the Roadhouse which seems to be the not so secret meeting place for a lot of people.
Audrey Horne (Sherilyn Fenn) – We see Bejamin Horne’s dauther smoking at her locker. What is it with people smoking in this show? Audrey seems to like breaking the rules. She smokes in school, seems indifferent to Laura’s death and disrupts the negotiations with the Norwegians after telling them her friend was murdered. I get the sense that perhaps she doesn’t get enough attention at home and maybe that’s why she acts out.
James Hurley (James Marshall) – A leather-jacket wearing, motorcycle-driving mulletish boy who was secretly seeing Laura. He and Laura and Donna Hayward were close friends. In fact, he’s the one who shot the video that Agent Dale Cooper brings up in Donna’s interview at the sheriff’s department. James decides to hide out while the investigation is ongoing, handing over a letter for Donna to Ed at the gas station. He and Donna arrange to meet at the Roadhouse and then in the woods they kiss! I guess he got over Laura and her death really fast.
Donna Hayward (Lara Flynn Boyle) – Laura’s best friend and her complete opposite. While we assumed that Laura was the model daughter, Donna is really the one that's the goody two-shoes. Although, she does sneak out after hours, meets up with her dead best friend's lover and kisses him in the woods, so...
Leo Johnson (Eric Da Re) - A complete jerk who drives truck for a living. He's paranoid and smokes, just like everyone else in this show. He threatens Shelly whom he seems too old for. Someone's going to need to give him a dressing down. The character I like the least so far.
Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle McLachlan) - An ocd FBI agent who loves coffee and trees, a lot. He's seems like a contemplative man and often uses strange ways to decipher evidence. He records his daily routine on a recorder to a woman named Diane. I have doubts about her existence as I'm not sure she's real. He and Sheriff Truman make a great odd couple.
Highlights of the Episode
- Pete calls in to the sheriff’s department and instead of acting like a normal human being he blurts out, “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.” Thanks for the info Pete. Now, one more time, who’s dead?
- Here’s a drinking game for you. Count how many rotary phones are used in this episode. I swear every character gets their hands on one. Were they still that prevalent in the early 90s? Pity, I never got to use one.
- I love how retro everything is. Everyone’s hair is big, their clothes are baggy, the sets are kitschy.
- Andy crying. You feel for the guy and he’s the only one to ask “Who is she?” when the group gets to Laura’s body wrapped in plastic. Out of everyone I feel that he’s the most sane (though that isn’t saying much)
- Laura’s mother smoking. This feels so foreign. Is there anyone on tv who still smokes apart from Mad Men characters?
- What is up with the various shots of the staircase at the Palmer household. It’s a weird angle and Lynch keeps harping on it. It’s creeping me out.
- I love how much is going in the background here. When we first go to the diner we see a logging truck drive down the street, reiterating how this is a logging town. Then when Leland is on the phone with Sarah about Laura we see Harry’s sheriff truck pull up in the parking lot.
- How is Bobby on the football team? How? He seems more of the boozing, late for class, devil may care, drinking and driving, pick-a-fight moron type.
- It’s interesting to see how the characters receive or try to get information we the audience already have. For example, we know Laura’s dead before her parents do.
- Another disturbing scene is when a girl runs screaming through the courtyard outside the school. Again, Lynch is good at the creepy and notice how he manages to do it without any gore.
- I loved when the principal broke down over the PA system while trying to address the students. It felt real. Anyone recognize him from ER?
- Laura had a phone in her room? Can you say spoiled child? And speaking of Laura, how can she possibly have hidden so many secrets and yet nobody knew? She was seeing a shrink, doing drugs, seeing some guy named “J”. Is everyone blind in this town? Actually I think everyone else was too wrapped up in keeping their own secrets from everyone else to notice Laura’s.
- Big Ed’s Gas Farm may just be the best name for a gas station ever.
- Does James seem sensitive on the same scale as Andy? The look on his face when he’s stuck behind bars with Bobby and Mike makes me want to give him a hug.
- When we learn that Janek Pulaski’s daughter is missing as well we then cut to an image of a gigantic bandsaw cutting through some wood. It’s an ominous transition and just adds to the level of creepy.
- Oh Norway, you poor country. “My air sacks have never felt so good.” That would make anyone think the Norwegians were weirdos.
- Agent Cooper is a total weirdo. Like the Muppets. He skips from the strange, “What kind of fantastic trees have you got growing around here?” with that goofy smile and then cleanly switches into FBI mode.
- Hands up, how many of you think Diane isn’t real? Or maybe it’s simply the name of his recorder. It’s a poor way to get exposition across but it’s quick and frees up time for more awesome dialogue.
- I have a great feeling that Truman and Coop are going to become the best of friends, like the Odd Couple. Only they’re really odd because Harry’s the straight man and Coop is cuckoo bananas.
- Why did Donna ever decide to date Mike? He seems almost as big of a jerk as Bobby.
- I almost died laughing when they read from Laura’s diary. “Asparagus for dinner again. I hate asparagus. Does this mean I’ll never grow up?” This makes as much sense at the line from “All About Eve” 'Have you ever looked into the heart of a artichoke?’ What in the great googly does THAT mean? More Lynch weirdness.
- Then, when Truman and Coop are interrogating Bobby, Coop somehow manages to write an entire sentence on a calculator. “He did not do it.” And he’s really cold when he tells Bobby that he didn’t really love Laura. Gave me the jibblies.
- “The Norwegians are leaving, the Norwegians are leaving,” get me every time.
- I’m not even sure I want to know about that safety deposit box. Again, weird.
- Shelley’s husband! Shelley’s husband! How much older is he? Cause he looks super old and she seems close to Bobby’s age, which would be 16/17. Where are Shelley’s parents and how do they not know this guy is a scumbag?
- And Ed’s wife, Patchey? A total nut but I heartily approve of her use of flag semaphore with her curtains if that indeed is what she was doing. Hilarious!
- Coop calls a town meeting because why not get all the crazies in one room but it's great because that’s where we meet The Log Lady! I love her because she seems cooky in a normal way. She’s carries a log with her everywhere and flicks the lights on and off in the meeting.
- We learn Laura wasn’t the first girl to go missing and end up dead in the same state. (Agent Cooper doesn’t mention the letter under the fingernail but the viewers know about it). I wonder how this will play out in town now that they know the FBI thinks a serial killer is on the loose. Coop even says the killer could be someone in town. Yikes! Currently I can’t think that anyone really has any motive to want Laura dead. She did all this volunteering and the whole time Truman and Coop were wandering around town, all anyone could say was how nice she was.
- Donna’s sister kind of sucks.
- James tells us part of the real Laura Palmer story. She’s more of a weirdo than Coop! At least Agent Cooper's weirdness directly affects his job for the better. Laura's just scared of her secret lover.
- Donna & James! What is wrong with you two! Your best friend and girlfriend are dead and somehow you’re drawn to kiss one another? Unacceptable!
- Donna’s dad comes to pick her up and he’s way too understanding. Verbatim he says “I know you wouldn’t do something like this without having a good reason.” And he says he’s lucky to have a daughter like her. This feels like they’re trying to force a parallel between her and Laura’s personality.
- The donut setup in the sheriff’s department is glorious but diabetes waiting to happen. Where's Wilford Brimley when you need him?
- And then there's more creepiness because really, we don’t have enough of that here. There’s a foghorn and Mrs. Palmer is dreaming. We get another weird shot of that staircase. Someone’s walking through the woods. We see a hand pick up the necklace from where James and Donna buried it and Mrs. Palmer screams. If that doesn’t unsettle you for a moment or two then feel free to watch the next episode. I’m sure it will be just as disturbing.
- This feels like an Agatha Christie novel. Everyone’s a suspect and there are so many red herrings you could open up a cannery.
It's been awhile. I've moved and finally have internet again. In the intervening period I've spent some time finding some amazing things online.
Keely Smith with "Stormy Weather"
I couldn't tell you how I discovered her but I like her because she has such a powerful voice. She projects and puts such emotion into her songs. I'm just sorry she isn't more well known now. Most likely she was overshadowed by her partnership with her musician husband, Louis Prima.
The Mills Brothers with "Basin Street Blues"
These guys are amazing. They worked from 1928 - 1982. That. is. insane! Their voices are amazingly mellow and distinct. They were known for doing instrumental sounds with their voices and their harmonies! Just listen!
Thomas Tallis with "If Ye Love Me"
He was a composer active during the Elizabethan period. As a rule I love choral music and this, it's just perfect.
Luisa Tetrazzini with "Una voce poco fa"
I distintly remember listening to Pavorotti and then getting distrated for the next few hours by various opera singers and how they've been rated by the opera community. I stumbled upon Tetrazinni. The recording is scratchy but the purity and clarity and range of her voice is amazing.
I've also been catching up on my shows as the tv season has started up again.
Community "Remedical Chaos Theory"
This is one of the best episodes I've seen for the show. It was crazy and funny and heartfelt, the best of all worlds.
Downton Abbey Season 2
Oh my. The British always make the best tv, including this beautiful and heartbreaking series. The dialogue, the costumes, the setting, everything, especially the time period are superb. I've been catching up on Season 2 and I can't tell you how much I am hoping for a Mary & Matthew reconciliation. Every episode I wring my hands in their scenes together. Julian Fellowes isn't going to make it easy for them, especially since the Spanish Flu has yet to rear it's head.
Sherlock Season 2
I discovered this by accident and love it! I can't imagine anyone else playing these iconic characters apart from Martin and Cumberbatch now. But you know what? 3 episodes do not a season make! Season 1 was too short and now you're making me wait until 2012!? Not acceptable. I only have clips like this to console me for the meantime.
The Supersizers
This is an amazing show that charts the history of food through the ages. A food critic and broadcaster will dress for the era and test the food by actually consuming a day's worth of food from that period. I love this show so much! It's crazy to see how much the attitudes and the meals change throughout time. And these guys are hilarious in their reactions to the food.
"Thank you Jeeves" by P.G. Wodehouse
I've also started reading P.G. Wodehouse and I am blown away. The man is hilarious and his use of diction while mostly stuck in its own era, has surprising moments of modernity.
That's all I have for now but I'm glad to get back into a routine with the blog. I'm so behind with book reviews it's not even funny.
"Titus Groan" by Mervyn Peake
The story has been spoiled for me as I watched the miniseries several years ago. Peake's diction and descriptino is sumptuous and original. I can't wait to finish it and move on to the next book in the series.
The first season aired several months ago so this is a bit late going up but trust me, it's brilliant. The dialogue is snappy and Benedict Cumberbatch is deliciously snarky. I do feel a bit bad for Martin Freeman's character of Watson who is constantly pushed around by Shirley (I don't know about you but that's what I call him behind his back).
If you like a good mystery then please watch the three short episodes of this new series. And Moriarty, the perfect mix of clown and madness!
I wasn't around when "Bonanza" first aired on tv in 1959 but I heard it was a hit. The Cartwrights defended their land, the weak and helpless. They were always quick to mack on the ladies and start a fight. They had each others backs and trouble seemed to find them every week. 14 years and 430 episodes after it all started the series ended, quietly and without much note.
Now, more than 50 years later I've come to resurrect the series in all its glory and silliness. I'll map out the episodes, keep a running tally of who wins fights, who kissed who, the growing list of enemies and not to mention the rampant racism and serious mortality rates suffered by all females who chanced to enter into a relationship with a Cartwright. But first, an introduction.
The Ponderosa is a 600 000 acre cattle ranch near Lake Tahoe and was owned by Ben Cartwright. Along with his sons Adam, Hoss and Little Joe, they run one of the biggest cattle ranches in the country.
Ben Cartwright, the strong patriarch of the family, has finally realized his dream with the Ponderosa, a profitable, working cattle ranch. He usually has a quiet wisdom to everything he does but gods help you if you mess with his boys. He can be one mean papa. He's also a bit of a ladies man as his three sons are by three different wives.
Adam, the oldest and most like his father is of the brooding protective sort. A Boston blue-blood with a college education in architecture, he's the sort to philosophize one moment and deck you in the chin the next. A skilled horseman and a crack shot like the rest of his family, you always want him on your side in a fight. He's also the one least likely to trust anyone. He's the moody teenager living in the basement only he's a grown ass man.
Hoss, the middle brother is larger than life, weighing 50lbs at only a few months of age. Of Swedish stock, his mother could wrestle Ben to the ground. More comfortable around animals then people, Hoss is a gentle soul and slow to anger but woe betide any who cross his family or abuse the poor, weak or downtrodden. I always feel a bit sorry for Hoss; he's too self-deprecating and gets less action than Adam, Joe and even Ben.
Little Joe is the firebrand of the family. Quick to anger and start a fight, his maternal roots are tied to New Orleans. Adept at fencing and a consummate ladies man, he is dashing and confidant, never lacking for feminine attention. In short, he's the original teen heartthrob. You wouldn't believe the amount of teen fan mail this guy received. The downside is he spends a lot of episodes getting shot or sick or kidnapped. He's basically the stand-in for the damsel in distress because he can't keep it in his pants and does more than his fair share of whining.
Alright so the intro's a little creepy. A map of the Ponderosa and surrounding area falls prey to a pyromaniac.
Sibling rivalry is alive and well. Adam thinks Little Joe is a pest and both he and Ben sound paranoid when talking about people from Virginia City wanting the Ponderosa. Note: Look at the sideburns going on here!
Hoss likes talking to animals. He's the old west's answer to Henry Higgins. Apparently he only has problems with 'two leggers' of the female persuasion. Aw.
Our first glimpse of Little Joe consists of fencing practice. Not the best first impression; he looks like a grinning idiot. Adam seems to think so too. Note: Neither of the brothers seem to know anything about fencing. Adam calls Joe's blade an epee and Joe doesn't disagree but it's clearly a foil. The good part comes when Adam makes a 'yo mama' joke, asking how Joe expects to do his share of the work with "that New Orleans monkey pick handed down to you from your French Quarter mother." Joe responds in kind calling Adam's mother a "thin-nosed blue-blooded Boston Yankee." What weak soup insults!
This fight is hilarious. Adam makes a fist but slaps Joe and boy does Joe hate that! Joe dives off the family table in a flying tackle towards Adam and gets slapped again. Hoss ends up intervening and gets punched for all his trouble. So he pulls a wrestling move on Joe and tosses him over his shoulder into an easy chair and then smacks Adam into a grandfather clock. Awesome! How many people do you know who've been thrown into a clock?
And while we're on the subject, who the heck says "fire and brimstone!"? Ben's showing his age here. Joe apologizes but Adam does not accept and calls the foil an epee again. Argh.
We learn the Cartwrights have a Chinese-American cook that Ben calls a 'celestial sky gazer', whatever that means, named Hop Sing. And Hoss only had three breakfasts that morning and is 'powerful hungry'. Makes me wonder who did the cooking before Hop Sing arrived. Ben apologizes for yelling in the most racist way possible. Ugh. I think Hoss is the only one who really appreciates Hop Sing and he really only appreciates Hop Sing's food.
Meanwhile, in Virginia City three business men are busy being nefarious. They're mine owners who hate the Cartwrights. The last time they tried to take over the Ponderosa they lost over 12 men. What?! The Cartwrights are murder machines? Anyway, the mine owners have a stupid and convoluted plan to make Ben sell them timber for their mines. They're going to use an actress to lure one of the boys to town and use him as a bargaining chip. Again, what?! Is the Ponderosa timber the best around? If not, get timber elsewhere. If not, offer to buy it first and then get nefarious. And start simple! None of this, hiring people to lure children away from the ranch to use as hostages. Complex plans more often go awry because there are too many variables.
Next we're back at the ranch with a random scene of Adam breaking a horse named Thunder. Hoss goes a la Henry Higgins on the animal right before he bucks Adam off.
Then out of nowhere, a carriage appears on the ranch and everyone freaks out! And by freak out I mean chase after thing on horseback, guns drawn. After a mad chase the carriage breaks down and Adam scares the poor driver to death and shoots off his gun. A woman's voice comes from within the carriage and out emerges Yvonne de Carlo, shaming the men into putting their guns away. And I can't have been the only one who thought the show ripped off Scarlett O'Hara green dress from "Gone with the Wind". You know, the dress she made from curtains. Come to think of it, even "The Sound of Music". Anyway, the woman says she's Lotta Crabtree, the famous actress. Notice how everyone but Adam puts their gun away. And watch for some serious sexual tension between Adam and Lotta. He totally butts in on Joe. Hilarious!
Note: Why is everyone wearing a handkerchief in this scene? Ben - purple, Adam - grey, Driver - yellow, Little Joe - black.
The remaining Cartwrights work on fixing the carriage and Ben makes his second inappropriate comment threatening to hang the driver if he doesn't leave immediately. Man, Ben is really living up to his murderous reputation. But wait, Hop Sing comes barreling along with bad news. The Roast Pig for dinner is ruined, all dried up and thrown away. Hoss couldn't be more upset. And worse, we discover Lotta has left with Little Joe to go to Virginia City. Adam is pissed and holds a gun to the driver. Ben almost threatens to cut out the driver's tongue.
Talk about overkill. The Cartwrights plan to ride into Virginia City to retrieve Joe and if they don't return, 100 men will ride in after them and Hop Sing will kill the driver. Geez. Here's a thought, why not have these extra 100 men ride into town with them or better yet, sneak in to town and rescue Joe without letting anyone know you're there. Why are the Cartwrights so dumb and violent?
Joe looks damn fine in his Sunday best, driving Lotta to VC (Virginia City). We learn that apparently Hoss' mom could punch like a mule. Yikes! He's also got a thing against Yankees which would explain the animosity between him and Adam. And look how friendly he gets with Lotta's waist. Asking her to dinner? Joe that woman is probably old enough to be your mother! After parting ways with Lotta, Joe runs into Hop Ling, Sing's dad.
Oh gods do I hate the singing portion with Yvonne de Carlo. Not only is the song awful but Yvonne has the worst lip-synching I've ever seen.
Afterwards Joe comes to her hotel room and calls the dance she did wicked. Joe I think you've been a little too sheltered on the Ponderosa. Then he gets all sad-puppy-faced when he discovers why she really wanted him around. You should be happy she wanted you around at all!
Ben and co. have arrived and he barges into a saloon to confront the mine owners looking for Joe. They direct him to hired killer, Langford Poole who's killed 12 men. Ben says he smells of a charnel house which I thought meant a bordello but is actually a building where human remains are kept. Gross. He and Adam have a gunfight inside. Virginia City must be pretty loose with the rules or not have a sheriff if they're allowed to have a gunfight inside. Adam and Langford Poole shoot it out. Adam shoots him no problem. Chalk one up one win for the Boston blue-blood.
Bad guys have broken into Lotta's room and attack Joe. Somehow he gets his hands on an umbrella that acts as a stand in for his bloody foil and he fences his way out of the situation. He jumps out the window, calling Mrs. Crabtree a sweetheart. Wait, you're still smitten after that betrayal? Joe you've got it bad.
Adam, the dark brooder arrives in her room. He threatens to break Lotta's arm. There's a creepy sexual, abusive tension going on here. Do we chalk it up to Adam being an abusive sort of fellow with the ladies or is he just really concerned about Joe getting killed? For a moment I thought he was going to kiss her but instead he departs.
Meanwhile Joe, who leapt off the balcony like a crazy person, barges into Hop Ling's laundry. Then we see Langford Poole, whom I assumed was dead, getting patched up. Either Adam's a crap shot or he didn't mean to kill the man.
The most hilarious scene of the episode involves poor Hop Ling trying to keep the mine owner's henchmen from destroying his laundry. The poor guy watches his shop get ripped apart, yelling the entire time. I wonder if Joe's going to pay for the mess he caused? Then things really start to get serious when the henchmen set some guy's home on fire. The men of Chinatown then lay a giant size beatdown on them and Joe just has to jump in and participate.
We skip to early the next morning and the Cartwrights are riding through town, still apparently looking for Joe. Geez how big is this town that they've been searching all night? Somehow, out of all the other noise they hear Joe laughing and find him dancing with Lotta. Ben assumes that's what he's been doing all night. Methinks Ben is not the smartest Cartwright. Of course, Adam knows different and there's that sexual tension again. Hoss knows what's going on and shoves Adam towards Lotta. This time he actually does kiss her. And you totally know that he slept with her. The Cartwrights then ride back to their 'empire' at the Ponderosa.
Summary:
Lady Count
Adam & Lotta Crabtree
Hoss 0
Little Joe 0
Ben 0
Fights
Adam vs Joe = Adam
Adam & Joe vs Hoss = Hoss
Adam vs Langford Poole = Adam
Fight Count
Adam 2W 1L
Hoss 1W
Joe 1L
Ben 0
Kiss Count
Adam & Lotta Crabtree
Hoss 0
Joe 0
Ben 0
